Whilst you wait patiently for our Feb. show, SENSUAL PISTOLAS! (soooo close to being Spanish for Love Gun), we at the Late Late Breakfast Show decided to bestow a gift upon you to satisfy your bloodlust for comedy, and interview LLBS veteran and ‘star’ of SENSUAL PISTOLAS!, Dan ‘Sancho’ Perry. Dan is a showman, a scoundrel, a scallywag, and a recent graduate from the MFA program at the University of Calgary. He likes Superman and dislikes playing pirates. An inventor of the colour blorange (a mixture of blue and brown), Dan occasionally plays guitar. He has also been to China. This interview took place in a bathroom stall in New York City’s Barrymore Theatre, where Dan was seeing Harold Pinter’s Betrayal. SENSUAL PISTOLAS! FEB 13-15. Birds and Stone Theatre. Calgary, AB.
Dan… You are aware of the cultural phenomenon known as “The Dan Perry”-
I was told we weren’t to talk of that!
Please, Dan, put away the switchblade.
… Okay. But don’t mention this “The Dan Perry” business again*. Or my new nickname-
Dan Pan the Muffin Man?
Yes! Actually I don’t mind that.
Okay… Dan Pan, what’s something you consider underrated.
The Bible. No one’s really talked about it before. Or I would say home dentistry. Those two things.
Gross. Moving on. What would you say are your best qualities?
Sarcasm. Capacity for suffering. Like, I can endure. Like I burned my arm just like Gary Busey in Lethal Weapon. Like, with a lighter. And then I said, “Do you smell that?”… that’s endurance. Like in the Bible.
And your worst qualities?
Neat freak, bordering on obsessive? Kleptomania. Is this a job interview?
You’re the one who wanted to be my butler.
Yes, my life goal is to one day butle.
Moving on… Will you say hi to your girlfriend for me?
I guess… Amos says hi.
She’s there with you?
Fantastic… And how did you get involved with the LLBS?
I recall a gent named “Mack” had to take leave from a show, and y’all needed a guitar player, so Amos knew me from university and said “wanna come play guitar” and since I saw you guys at Loose Moose and thought you were funny, I said sure. And even though you have consistently asked me to leave I have always refused… And I’m still here. And the funniest part from that first show is I didn’t realize you wanted me to play washtub bass, which I didn’t know how to play, even though I LOVE Zydeco music. And anything by Ke$ha. Ke$ha has a dollar sign where the S is… You probably didn’t know that. But she doesn’t have a lot of washtub bass in her music.
What made you want to pursue the arts?
High school drama class. I wanted to get out of my shell. I was a wee bit shy, you see. Then, when I was 15 I did a summer arts program called Artstrek at Red Deer College and I just thought it was the tits. And then the murder started. And by murder I mean laughter. And by laughter I mean killing.
I’m writing this down.
Sure. Is there a specific performance that made you want to be an actor?
No. I enjoy writing and directing. Acting? It’s okay. But, to answer the question: Whoopi Goldberg in The Color Purple. Maybe you shouldn’t put that.
It sounds like I’m making fun of Whoop. But it’s a good movie. So I stand by it.
And what or whom made you think, “I would like to pursue writing”?
Amos Altman. He is the greatest writer of the last 50 years. Sadly, he will not be appreciated until he dies. So, probably next year. Oh, and also, writing is something that I always did, from when I was however old I was when I learned, I was just writing stories. I think I just kept going when other people might have gotten other priorities or stopped being creative for whatever reason, which is why i took up drinking… cause it’s something to do when you’re not writing.
Who are/were your comedy influences?
I think Monty Python; the absurdist approach they had is something I appreciate. And Harold Pinter. Amos Altman, of course. The greats. Mostly the Brits, though. Ricky Gervais. Stephen Fry. And I didn’t appreciate Kids in the Hall when they were first out-
Well… you were 6-
Right. But I look back now and it’s fantastic. Patton Oswalt is fantastic too. But I don’t do stand-up.
Ever want to try stand up?
I’d like to. But I like to have someone to rely on. And working with each other, there’s a trust you bring with your fellow performer, so that you can know it works even though it might not get laughs. But with stand-up there’s not that safety-in-numbers. Plus, I like having the time to incubate the comedy within a group, in the best way we see fit. Like by committee: the funniest line, the most provocative choice. And in stand up you only get that debate internally, really.
What would be your dream role?
Teaching. I like hangin’ with kids.
So I shouldn’t add “in my van”?
How about a dream role, Dan Pan?
King Lear. Won’t be able to do it til I’m wicked old, but that would be challenging.
For you, maybe. So… if you were to play the casting game, which actor would you want to play you in Thundercock: The Dan Perry Story. Or would it be titled Dan Pan the Muffin Man? Time will tell.
Benedict Cumberbatch. Or… what’s the other guy there that’s the… What’s his name… he was in X-Men-
No. He was young Magneto.
Yes. I’ve been told we are exactly alike. (Dan’s ladyfriend Kristine is heard in the background: No one has ever said that.)
What real life or fictional person would you say fits your personality best in the history of all media? Like, “that is SO me”?
Kristine just said Moose from Archie comics. Now she says don’t quote me. Have me say something like “D’uh. I like Riverdale.”
What does the future hold, creatively speaking, for The Dan Perry?
Writing plays. Next Late Late Breakfast Show in Feb. Does drinking count as creating? I’d like to invent green tea, but that’s been done. Play-doh and add poison? So many things…
Two-part question: what’s the funniest moment you’ve seen at the LLBS…
The time that Pat said that thing and everyone laughed and made a face. I don’t know. When I see a show, I mean, I’m not onstage, so I don’t pay attention. I’m just there for the free food. In fact I don’t know that many people in the LLBS’ first names.
And what’s the funniest and/or most memorable thing you’ve been a part of with the LLBS?
I remember doing the sketch Tyler’s house and Meg came out with the pen in her leg and no one could keep it together…
Dan Pan, who or what is your great love?
You mean my peni… No that’s silly. Don’t put that. I’ll say Kristine… Right Kristine? Now you should write “Kristine glares at Dan”.
Fine. Fine. Whatever. Okay, Dan Pan, we come to the portion of the interview that is ripped from Inside the Actor’s Studio, which was, in turn, ripped from Bouillon de Culture, which was ripped from Proust. Dan Pan, what’s your favourite word?
Haaaaaaaaaaah… My favourite word is crinkly. Or moist. Or soup. Fun word to say. Especially as Christopher Walken.
Yes. What’s your least favourite word?
Anything with more than 3 syllables. Or druid.
What’s your favourite sound?
Do you want me to make it? … Bddwwdwwwdwwdwdwshsshskkkkkk. Or cha-ching. Member that guy in Police Academy who did all the sound effects?
He was also in Spaceballs.
What happened to that guy?
I don’t know. What’s your least favourite sound?
Slavery? Or a high pitched squeal. EEeeeeeEeeeeeeeee. Or train brakes.
What turns you off?
Negativity. No. I love negativity. I’m just lying to sound deep… Ignorance. You can be negative, but you have to be intelligent about it. Yeah.
What turns you on?
Jugs. (dan begins to laugh)
Like for juice?
(Dan laughs for 20 more seconds) I think that was funnier in my head, then when I said it i regretted it instantly.
What’s your favourite curse word?
Fuck. I say fuck a lot.
What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?
What profession would you absolutely not like to attempt.
Anything where I have to shovel feces. Walking behind the elephants in the parade.
Who is your hero/heroine from fiction or history?
Amos Alt- You know what? No. Someone I admire… What’s the name of the kid in Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island? So many… Do I have to pick one? Like I appreciate Superman as a symbol, but he’s not my hero. Or is he? Just put Robert Louis Stevenson, because when he was writing Treasure Island he got sick and then he got super-sick, and considered not finishing, but I admire the fact that he kept going and kept with it. Jim Hawkins! That’s the kid’s name. So him, Robert Louis Stevenson, and maybe Superman. Maybe. Because he’s inherently good even though he doesn’t have to be.
And, finally, what would you like to hear “god” say to you when you arrive at “the pearly gates”?
Haha. You were wrong Dan! I’m real!
Interview over. After the interview Dan Pan ate some sea salt caramel corn. He will eat it ’til he pukes. He shall soon be seen in the LLBS’ production of SENSUAL PISTOLAS!
*The Dan Perry= when you are making love to a lady’s butt, you then pee in her butt