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Cutting the Mustard.

This cast is so epic. Like if the cast of Rocky III and the cast of Glee got in a fight, that is how epic the Sketch Up & Mustard cast is. They’re so boss, I won’t even bore you with their resumes. So… Here is the cast -REVEALED EXCLUSIVELY to this website!- of Sketch Up & Mustard:

Amos Altman  Justin Michael Carriere (appearing courtesy of Canadian Actors’ Equity Association)  Meg Farhall  Ayla J. Stephen  Patrick Quinn  Mat Glessing  …and introducing Alice Nelson as Alice.

Justin (left) and Pat (right) disagree about characterization.

Justin (left) and Pat (right) disagree about characterization.

 

 

Amos Altman: Dream Weaver

After a lengthy hiatus from the blog, we return to tell you… nothing about our upcoming season. Yet. But rest assured next season will be, like this past season, an incredible success (and by incredible success, we mean no one died during any of the shows). But enough talk of death. Today is about life; specifically the life of LLBS co-founder and artistic director Amos Altman. He has avoided an interview for years, but now, as an elder statesman, he is allowing us into his thought-space to experience his “brilliance” and finally speak to us about the origins of the LLBS and why he is always so sunny and optimistic. We tracked him down beneath a bridge, where he was scrawling sketches for an upcoming show.

Amos, how are you?

That’s private.

Okay… Well, what are you doing?

Making the world remember me with beautiful words.

Are you writing poetry?

I am writing a sketch about lady-cops. Called Vadge of Honour.

Uhhhh…

I also came up with a title for one of the shows next year: Sketch-up and Mustard.

Goooooood.

Thank you.

So, how did you get involved with the LLBS?

I birthed it. With some others. Erin. Gavin. Amanda. Meg. And sometimes Justin.

Cool.

I know. Those first shows, in the days of yore-

2006?

Indeed. Were treacherous. But wonderful. And now, well, things remain mostly the same.

So, you still feel like you tread treacherous ground?

In a city of 1 million people, about 450 have heard of our amazing show. Maybe 451. If we are to take over the galaxy with our sketch comedy, that is not enough of an army. And we asked Nenshi and Obama to do a couple of clever nude scenes -which would have been tasteful/hilarious- to help us get some exposure (pun intended), but we got no response… Except from the Secret Service. But I’m not allowed to talk about that… Next!

Who or what inspired you to perform?

I don’t think I really wanted to perform. I wanted to write. The storytellers of my young adult life… I read a lot… My pops always had Stephen King or Elmore Leonard books on the shelf that I would borrow, or I’d feed myself some of that sweet young adult fiction, like Judy Blume or Martyn Godfrey.

You are a liar!

It’s true, silly goose! I wanted to tell stories. But I always knew they were a bit twisted. In seventh grade, I wrote a fairy tale, where the happily ever after was cleverly twisted into tragedy by a final paragraph from a troll’s point-of-view. Like, these Hansel-and-Gretel types get away from this witch and the reader thinks it’s okay, but then they get eaten by trolls… I always preferred dark humour.

But you perform, idiot. You were voted ‘weirdest sense of humour’ in your yearbook.

Define weird. I was just very quick with a joke. Like, imagine Vince Vaughn’s character from Swingers as a slightly less attractive/pudgy 13 year old boy. I think people didn’t really get how hilarious I was… You know, small town.

So, Vince Vaughn inspired you to perform?

Whoa! No. I had already performed at that point, I guess. At summer camp. They made you perform. But I guess if I’m being honest, Corey Feldman was who -I wouldn’t say inspired, but- made performing intriguing to me. He was playing people of a similar age, but completely different worlds: this mouthy goof in The Goonies and this angry, abused kid in the 1950′s in Stand by Me… That threw me, I remember. HE’S THE SAME KID? But he’s a DIFFERENT kid? And the John Hughes movies, ’cause they were about teenagers. But mostly The Breakfast Club. Either way, I didn’t perform, really, outside of summer camp stuff, until university, where my reputation for playing bailiffs is still legendary.

Ah, university. Where you would meet those instrumental in creating the LLBS…

Yes, Lethbridge. Where I met those kindred spirits and messed around with being funny, acting, and writing… But it was more about realizing a common element, a comic rapport, and becoming friends with those whose personalities you gravitated toward… Good times… And in that, a bond grew, so that when we were done school and all drifted to Calgary, doing a show between any other work we could scrounge seemed logical.

Good story. Also, can you stop using ellipses? Now, how do you feel the show has developed though the years?

We’re more efficient. Rehearsals are a month shorter. We’re more musical, more comfortable with improv. The ensemble has lost a few folks, but gained a few, and the group dynamic is solid… We gathered a good bunch o’er the years and I think, for the most part, we can trust each others’ instincts… the majority of the time.

Do you like to party?

Yes.

Are you currently single.

Yes.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen at the LLBS?

I’ve never really been an audience member. I’ve done… all the shows? But there has been some gold in rehearsals. Meg smelling toothpaste as Rhonda is an early time when I remember laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. Onstage, I think, though, Pat Quinn’s epic 2nd scene in the Miming Blowjobs trilogy, in which Justin Michael did some things that to me, are the most cherished memories I’ll have… Or shooting a promo video with Justin and Gavin, with Justin in a Bat-mask… Priceless… Making Pat break onstage is pretty fun, too, especially if it involves multiple stars of David… I could go on… A lot of good laughter has been made.

What’s coming up for you this summer?

Well, Accidental Humour Co. is doing a play of mine at the Edmonton Fringe (Happy Whackin’ Jim McCrackin 2: The Whackining, a sequel to the hit Happy Whackin’ Jim McCrackin) that will also tour southern Alberta (dates TBA) and then Storybook Theatre is mounting a production of The Wizard of One in September (12th-20th), starring THE Neil James in multiple roles. Still writing sketches… And I’m writing a couple of plays that will likely never see a production.

Why is that?

Racism? … Also, the plays might not be very good. Time will tell.

Have you ever known true love?

How dare you!? You know I have!

You’ve often spoken of leaving Calgary… You ever going to make a decision on that?

I hope I can make a decision… one day… But Calgary’s been a’ight… I got to develop a play with Theatre Calgary right out of school… And, I mean, I just got offered a leading role on the upcoming season of Hell on Wheels, which I’m probably going to have to turn down because I’m waiting for the offer to be the new Wolverine, once Jackman slips a disc… And I’ve totally got ladies texting me, like, all the time, and.. you know, I keep busy crying in the tub. But as fun as all that is, I’d like to live somewhere with better transit and no winter.

What surprises can we expect next season in the LLBS?

Well, we start from scratch every year, so everything is a surprise. I can say I think our first show back after the summer will be in September. Will it be Sketch-up and Mustard? Time will tell…

What were your comedy influences?

Well, my friends informed my comedy. Still do. A friend named Bartko, in ye olden times. And my pops… But, if we want to get into pop culture, let’s start with Looney Tunes. Then SCTV. Kids in the Hall. SNL. Late Night with Conan O’Brien. The Simpsons. Mr. Show… Married, with Children. But Kids in the Hall was a real standout. They were doing stuff I couldn’t believe was on TV… CBC, no less. Then I saw The State, in university… The first bit from a stand-up I remember was a Jon Stewart run about religion, that turned into an argument about flossing vs. masturbation… But, living in a pre-cable rural area, stand-up wasn’t really available to see on TV til I was older. Leslie Nielsen in The Naked Gun. Oh, and John Ritter. Three’s Company was huuuuge. Don Knotts, too. But whenever Ritter played Jack Tripper and Austin Tripper at the same time, my mind was blown… And Eddie Murphy. I wasn’t allowed to watch Raw or Delirious as a kid, but I remember watching Trading Places or Beverly Hill Cop with my pops and just laughing like an idiot. Dave Chappelle. Steve Martin… Tom Hanks in Big. The movie Kingpin… Waiting for Guffman… Mel Brooks; Spaceballs and Blazing Saddles… Billy Crystal from, like 1987-1993. Rick Moranis is probably the icon for me, though. Ricky Moranis. And Billy Murray.

No ladies on that list?

Maybe women weren’t funny until I was older? (he chuckles, then pauses, staring intensely)… There were some funny ladies in some of the troupes I mentioned. Catharine O’Hara being #1 in my book. I think Dratch was underrated. And that Amy Poehler kid… She seems amusing. I think she might make it. And I didn’t know who Nora Ephron was at the time, but she was definitely an influence.

When Harry Met Sally, am i right? … Anyway… What would be your dream role?

Golly! Well, I’m a list guy… So… Movie role? Not that I could improve on any of these… 5. Almost anything Sam Rockwell does comedically: Seven Psychopaths. Galaxy Quest. Box of Moonlight. 4. Luke in Cool Hand Luke. Paul Newman is… There are no words… 3. Louis Tully (Rick Moranis) in Ghostbusters. 2. Sal (John Cazale) in Dog Day Afternoon… 1. Otto (Kevin Kline) in A Fish Called Wanda

A lot of idiots.

I’m not done! I forgot about Phil Hoffman’s Scotty in Boogie Nights.

So, a lot of ensemble work-

I’m. Not. Done! … TV… Top 5… Dennis Reynolds in It’s Always Sunny… Calamity Jane in Deadwood… Michael Knight in Knight Rider… Omar Little in The Wire… GOB Bluth in Arrested Development… Honorable mentions: voice of Sterling Archer in Archer. Oh, and Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation.

Moving on-

No! Theatre… Would be Cyrano de Bergerac. Or Galileo in Galileo… or Richard Rich in A Man for All Seasons. If I could carry a tune, I guess I’d choose a musical. But I can’t. So I won’t.

Can we move on now? … Okay. If we were playing the casting game, what role do you -or would your hombres- think embodies you, fits you like-

You don’t need to finish the simile… It’s Adam Scott in Party Down. No question.On film, it would be the Kaufman twins in Adaptation.

I’ve never seen Party Down.

Then this conversation is ove-

Wait! We have to do the thing. Like, the questionnaire from Inside the Actor’s Studio, which was, in turn, ripped from Bouillon de Culture, which was ripped from Proust.

(sighs) Fine.

‘Mos, what’s your favourite word?

Pamplemousse. But if we’re limiting it to english, it’s probably… stellar.

Yes. What’s your least favourite word?

Anything that’s mispronounced. Li’bary. Prob’ly. Ver-gina. I also don’t like Wednesday, because that spelling is ridiculous for how it’s said.

What’s your favourite sound?

A hearty laugh or a light breeze through the trees.

What’s your least favourite sound?

Twisting metal. Or one o’ those crying babies everyone seems to tote.

What turns you on?

Ladies. Good banter. A lady wearing one of my shirts. Delicious food. Creativity. Ladies. The moment of hesitation before a first kiss.

What turns you off?

Cigarette smoke. Hatefulness. Any diva behaviour, or any behaviour that says to someone else I’m better or more important that you.

What’s your favourite curse word?

Oh, the compound curse words: Dick-hole. Motherfucker. Whore-nun. Fuck-face. Ass-clown. Cock-fuck. Cockity-cock-ass. Douche-bag. Turd-burglar. Fuck-nuts. Dick-balls. Cum-dumpster. I think I probably say fuck or fuckin’ the most, but a clever compound always makes me smile. I think dipshit is probably my favourite of those.

What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?

I think I would actually just make my ‘profession’ my profession. I think writing is what I do, regardless, so getting paid for that would be great. Or being the GM of a major sports franchise.

What profession would you absolutely not like to attempt.

Parent? Or anything else where you have to clean up fecal matter.

Who is your hero/heroine from fiction or history?

Fiction? Well, listing again, but novel-wise it’d be Augustus McCrae and Woodrow call from Lonesome Dove… Other media, it might be Dalton from Road House, ’cause he’s so badass but also, like, philosophical. History… I think anyone who stood up against tyranny or religious/racial intolerance is a pretty good bet…

And, finally, what would you like to hear “god” say to you when you arrive at “the pearly gates”?

I don’t think we’d say anything… I think we’d just look at each other with disbelief, and a little suspicion.

Wow! The greatest interview of all time, with the greatest human who ever lived. Amos then went home and sat in the tub… but didn’t cry. Check out Happy Whackin’ Jim McCrackin 2: The Whackining at the Edmonton Fringe this August, and The Wizard of One in Calgary this September. If all goes according to plan, you can also see Amos and the rest of the LLBS crew return to the Calgary stage this September as well.

The End of Love

JennyClosing night malaise is beginning to set in… Tonight at 8pm, there is one last performance of the musical-sketch-comedy-masterpiece SENSUAL PISTOLAS… One last chance to see us grasp for comedic perfection (which is often found in the little imperfections we find night-to-night) and make laughter from whence there was none. But with the sadness that the end of SENSUAL PISTOLAS (and with that, probably the end of love itself) brings, there is also great joy in knowing we (metaphorically) blew the roof off of the theatre every night and brought joy to all (most?) in attendance. Thanks to those who’ve already attended our l’il show and those who will attend tonight… And a big high-five to our killer cast and one-man-army of a technician (Ryan ‘Sticky Pants’ Hildebrandt)… So let us all relish in this final night for love, music, and laughter… See you tonight…Ayla & PatAmos-2Cat Card

$10 Thursday

Tongues (BW)Yup. Thursday, Feb 13 in the year 2014, we open SENSUAL PISTOLAS! And it is the most sensual musical sketch comedy show in Calgary, Alberta this year! We can pretty-much guarantee it! And if you see it on opening night, tickets are only 10 dollars. That’s why we call it $10 Thursday! What a steal! Right? So… I don’t know… See it? It’s pretty sensual.

Why are the Pistolas sensual?

Titles, man. We can waste hours (and, in the past, we have) coming up with titles. But we had to come up with something. And our next show (Feb 13-15) plays during Valentine’s Day, and we already used A LATE, LATE BREAKFAST VALENTINE, LOVE NOTE, and POWER BALLAD. We were trying to come up with something with the word bouquet in it, when our fearless leader Amos (that’s how he sees himself, as if a hero bathed in sunlight. Which he is.) shouted Sensual Pistolas! And -oh- how we laughed. ‘Cause it’s a weird combination of Spanish words. But also sexy. And mysterious. And possibly romantic. But not only that, it’s almost Spanish for Love Gun. But not quite. Which we also thought was funny, you know? The idea that people might think we thought it was Spanish for Love Gun, but we just aren’t good at translating Engligh-to-Spanish. Maybe you had to be there. Anyway, we can’t go back now. And that is the story of SENSUAL PISTOLAS! And, also, ensemble member Pat Quinn loves KISS. Loves ‘em. And they have a song called Love Gun. So, if you know Pat Quinn, next time you see him you should ask him how much he loves KISS. That is all. HUGS!.

“We Should Cut the Nude Sex Scene”

It begins… again… As is the custom, the cast of another Late, Late Breakfast Show informally met to gather all of our new material, pitch new ideas, and mercilessly winnow over 60 sketches/ideas down to an 18-22 sketch set-list for our FEBRUARY 13-15 show, SENSUAL PISTOLAS! Yes, we slashed more than 40 scenes -some very good scenes, too- at a pace of more than a scene-per-minute… Some of these rejected scenes will appear in later shows, some will be revised and re-pitched, and some shall never be heard or seen again… So, sadly, SENSUAL PISTOLAS! will not include the explicit nude sex scene titled TOTALLY NAKED SEX FOR 2-5 MINUTES or the song titled MY BASEMENT or the ridiculous conceptual dance piece THE THREE-HEADED MAN WITH ONLY ONE HEAD… Speaking of songs and dances, did I mention that SENSUAL PISTOLAS! is a musical? Well, not a full-on “for real” musical, but very musical indeed. So many songs and dances! But I’ve said too much… more about all that later. Until then, everyone!

HUGS!

The Dan Perry

Whilst you wait patiently for our Feb. show, SENSUAL PISTOLAS! (soooo close to being Spanish for Love Gun), we at the Late Late Breakfast Show decided to bestow a gift upon you to satisfy your bloodlust for comedy, and interview LLBS veteran and ‘star’ of SENSUAL PISTOLAS!, Dan ‘Sancho’ Perry. Dan is a showman, a scoundrel, a scallywag, and a recent graduate from the MFA program at the University of Calgary. He likes Superman and dislikes playing pirates.  An inventor of the colour blorange (a mixture of blue and brown), Dan occasionally plays guitar. He has also been to China. This interview took place in a bathroom stall in New York City’s Barrymore Theatre, where Dan was seeing Harold Pinter’s Betrayal. SENSUAL PISTOLAS! FEB 13-15. Birds and Stone Theatre. Calgary, AB.

Dan… You are aware of the cultural phenomenon known as “The Dan Perry”-

I was told we weren’t to talk of that!

Please, Dan, put away the switchblade.

… Okay. But don’t mention this “The Dan Perry” business again*. Or my new nickname-

Dan Pan the Muffin Man?

Yes! Actually I don’t mind that.

Okay… Dan Pan, what’s something you consider underrated.

The Bible. No one’s really talked about it before. Or I would say home dentistry. Those two things.

Gross. Moving on. What would you say are your best qualities?

Sarcasm. Capacity for suffering. Like, I can endure. Like I burned my arm just like Gary Busey in Lethal Weapon. Like, with a lighter. And then I said, “Do you smell that?”… that’s endurance. Like in the Bible.

And your worst qualities?

Neat freak, bordering on obsessive? Kleptomania. Is this a job interview?

You’re the one who wanted to be my butler.

Yes, my life goal is to one day butle.

Moving on… Will you say hi to your girlfriend for me?

I guess… Amos says hi.

She’s there with you?

Yup!

Fantastic… And how did you get involved with the LLBS?

I recall a gent named “Mack” had to take leave from a show, and y’all needed a guitar player, so Amos knew me from university and said “wanna come play guitar” and since I saw you guys at Loose Moose and thought you were funny, I said sure. And even though you have consistently asked me to leave I have always refused… And I’m still here. And the funniest part from that first show is I didn’t realize you wanted me to play washtub bass, which I didn’t know how to play, even though I LOVE Zydeco music. And anything by Ke$ha. Ke$ha has a dollar sign where the S is… You probably didn’t know that. But she doesn’t have a lot of washtub bass in her music.

What made you want to pursue the arts?

High school drama class. I wanted to get out of my shell. I was a wee bit shy, you see. Then, when I was 15 I did a summer arts program called Artstrek at Red Deer College and I just thought it was the tits. And then the murder started. And by murder I mean laughter. And by laughter I mean killing.

I’m writing this down.

I know.

Sure. Is there a specific performance that made you want to be an actor?

No. I enjoy writing and directing. Acting? It’s okay. But, to answer the question: Whoopi Goldberg in The Color Purple. Maybe you shouldn’t put that.

Why?

It sounds like I’m making fun of Whoop. But it’s a good movie. So I stand by it.

And what or whom made you think, “I would like to pursue writing”?

Amos Altman. He is the greatest writer of the last 50 years. Sadly, he will not be appreciated until he dies. So, probably next year. Oh, and also, writing is something that I always did, from when I was however old I was when I learned, I was just writing stories. I think I just kept going when other people might have gotten other priorities or stopped being creative for whatever reason, which is why i took up drinking… cause it’s something to do when you’re not writing.

Who are/were your comedy influences?

I think Monty Python; the absurdist approach they had is something I appreciate. And Harold Pinter. Amos Altman, of course. The greats. Mostly the Brits, though. Ricky Gervais. Stephen Fry. And I didn’t appreciate Kids in the Hall when they were first out-

Well… you were 6-

Right. But I look back now and it’s fantastic. Patton Oswalt is fantastic too. But I don’t do stand-up.

Ever want to try stand up?

I’d like to. But I like to have someone to rely on. And working with each other, there’s a trust you bring with your fellow performer, so that you can know it works even though it might not get laughs. But with stand-up there’s not that safety-in-numbers. Plus, I like having the time to incubate the comedy within a group, in the best way we see fit. Like by committee: the funniest line, the most provocative choice. And in stand up you only get that debate internally, really.

What would be your dream role?

Teaching. I like hangin’ with kids.

So I shouldn’t add “in my van”?

Nope.

How about a dream role, Dan Pan?

King Lear. Won’t be able to do it til I’m wicked old, but that would be challenging.

For you, maybe. So… if you were to play the casting game, which actor would you want to play you in Thundercock: The Dan Perry Story. Or would it be titled Dan Pan the Muffin Man? Time will tell.

Benedict Cumberbatch. Or… what’s the other guy there that’s the… What’s his name… he was in X-Men-

Hugh Jackman?

No. He was young Magneto.

Michael Fassbender.

Yes. I’ve been told we are exactly alike. (Dan’s ladyfriend Kristine is heard in the background: No one has ever said that.)

What real life or fictional person would you say fits your personality best in the history of all media? Like, “that is SO me”?

Kristine just said Moose from Archie comics. Now she says don’t quote me. Have me say something like “D’uh. I like Riverdale.”

What does the future hold, creatively speaking, for The Dan Perry?

Writing plays. Next Late Late Breakfast Show in Feb. Does drinking count as creating? I’d like to invent green tea, but that’s been done. Play-doh and add poison? So many things…

Two-part question: what’s the funniest moment you’ve seen at the LLBS…

The time that Pat said that thing and everyone laughed and made a face. I don’t know. When I see a show, I mean, I’m not onstage, so I don’t pay attention. I’m just there for the free food. In fact I don’t know that many people in the LLBS’ first names.

And what’s the funniest and/or most memorable thing you’ve been a part of with the LLBS?

I remember doing the sketch Tyler’s house and Meg came out with the pen in her leg and no one could keep it together…

Dan Pan, who or what is your great love?

You mean my peni… No that’s silly. Don’t put that. I’ll say Kristine… Right Kristine? Now you should write “Kristine glares at Dan”.

Fine. Fine. Whatever.  Okay, Dan Pan, we come to the portion of the interview that is ripped from Inside the Actor’s Studio, which was, in turn, ripped from Bouillon de Culture, which was ripped from Proust. Dan Pan, what’s your favourite word?

Haaaaaaaaaaah… My favourite word is crinkly. Or moist. Or soup. Fun word to say. Especially as Christopher Walken.

Yes. What’s your least favourite word?

Anything with more than 3 syllables. Or druid.

What’s your favourite sound?

Do you want me to make it? … Bddwwdwwwdwwdwdwshsshskkkkkk. Or cha-ching. Member that guy in Police Academy who did all the sound effects?

He was also in Spaceballs.

What happened to that guy?

I don’t know. What’s your least favourite sound?

Slavery? Or a high pitched squeal. EEeeeeeEeeeeeeeee. Or train brakes.

What turns you off?

Negativity. No. I love negativity. I’m just lying to sound deep… Ignorance. You can be negative, but you have to be intelligent about it. Yeah.

What turns you on?

Jugs. (dan begins to laugh)

Like for juice?

(Dan laughs for 20 more seconds) I think that was funnier in my head, then when I said it i regretted it instantly.

What’s your favourite curse word?

Fuck. I say fuck a lot.

What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?

Chef.

What profession would you absolutely not like to attempt.

Anything where I have to shovel feces. Walking behind the elephants in the parade.

Who is your hero/heroine from fiction or history?

Amos Alt- You know what? No. Someone I admire… What’s the name of the kid in Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island? So many… Do I have to pick one? Like I appreciate Superman as a symbol, but he’s not my hero. Or is he? Just put Robert Louis Stevenson, because when he was writing Treasure Island he got sick and then he got super-sick, and considered not finishing, but I admire the fact that he kept going and kept with it. Jim Hawkins! That’s the kid’s name. So him, Robert Louis Stevenson, and maybe Superman. Maybe. Because he’s inherently good even though he doesn’t have to be.

And, finally, what would you like to hear “god” say to you when you arrive at “the pearly gates”?

Haha. You were wrong Dan! I’m real!

Interview over. After the interview Dan Pan ate some sea salt caramel corn. He will eat it ’til he pukes. He shall soon be seen in the LLBS’ production of SENSUAL PISTOLAS!

*The Dan Perry= when you are making love to a lady’s butt, you then pee in her butt